I knew I was making a statement, but I didn't actually intend on doing that at the time. Turns out, we maturing feminists are now facing the next frontier ...to dye, or not to dye? And some of us have crossed over to the scary land of silver locks.
Kreamer describes her personal odyssey in her new book, Going Gray. It is an insightful commentary on the emotional and psychological struggles women face as they consider going "natural" as a choice. And there are many...struggles, that is.
We women seem to have a whole lot of our identity wrapped up in our hair -- it's style and color. It may be one of the most crucial attributes other than our weight in forming our sense of ourself and projecting who we are. Any woman who is aging, is wrestling with physical changes that continually challenge your self-assurance. Getting older is difficult for men and women alike. But aging women have always known that our value drops much more steeply and quickly than an aging man's. As Ms. Kreamer discovers, it is very difficult for gray-haired women to progress professionally, unless they are in a few isolated career choices. I'm fortunate - I'm a health care professional working with a large number of older adults, and my gray hair has brought credibility (though it creates other problems with my younger patients, who often see me as an authority figure to resist). But there was a time when I worked in the business world and there is no question in my mind that I would never have survived that culture with my spikey silver hair. Never.
One critical area she explored was men's attitudes toward dating women with silver hair. In surveys they reject them. In reality, when confronted with one, she found much broader acceptance than she expected. My own experience says it's a mixed bag. Middle class men, on the whole, are more accepting. Men with money? Not so much. The more successful and economically secure the man, the more he seems to want a woman as accessory - younger, overtly projecting sexuality, with a color-full head of hair (think Fred Thompson, not that I'd have anything to do with him....eewww). But who knew that younger men seemed turned on by silver hair? Though I'm not convinced that it isn't part of some sort of weird Oedipal conquest-thing.
Graying is often equated with "letting yourself go", which is a sad commentary on our society's view of older women. Perhaps the image of a dumpy gray-haired woman who has decided she is sick of the grooming grind, is legitimate. I've seen a goodly share of those matronly women who epitomize my own grandmother in her black granny shoes. But there does come a time when, no matter how much you invest in the masquerade, everyone knows you're not 30 anymore. Or even 40. You aren't fooling anyone and it costs a fortune in time and money to pretend that you are. Personally, I think there comes a point when you look desperate and pitiable. I saw two women who epitomized that at dinner last night. In their late sixties or older...one with stark black hair, one brilliantly red hair, they sat with a man with snow white hair. Instead of projecting the beauty of an older woman, they both looked harsh and artificial.
It's all about attitude in the end. Do you have style? Think you're attractive? Believe you're valuable? Carry yourself as a wise woman with something to offer, to not be missed? That's sexy ..and being gray stands out, shouting to the world that you have the confidence to be yourself. Some days I think about going back to brown, but it quickly passes. I have no tolerance for the investment required and more importantly, I want to see who I really am as I grow older.
When I was 20 I swore I would be a woman who aged gracefully and embraced the lessons that life offered. I wanted to wear my experience with pride, not deny I'd ever had any. I did not want to be one of those women who looks perpetually frozen in time rather than a woman whose persona is timeless. Some days that takes more effort than others. But if you can't show the world who you really are -- gray hair and all -- then maybe you can't show yourself either.
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