Sleeping With Men …An Unintended Consequence

I’m all for sleeping with men, really I am. At least for 30 minutes or so. And I’d like them to be around in the morning. But in-between, I’d like to sleep alone thank you very much. Now the evidence is in: Sleeping the night with a man, can have unexpected consequences ...that may not be so good for women. It’s a dirty little secret too. Many of us have moved out ...of the bed, or the room... though it seems few of us are telling anyone about it. C’mon, tell the truth. You secretly wish he'd sleep elsewhere, but be around for on-demand cuddling, don't you. For men though, either you’re in or you’re out, so to speak.

As is often the case with coupling, men often appear to benefit more. They are healthier and happier if they are married, regardless of the state of the relationship. Women? Not so much. Maybe it’s because we don’t sleep. Surely you’ve read the headlines on sleep deprivation and poor quality sleep. The list of bad outcomes is long and getting longer: depression, obesity, high blood pressure, cardiac disease, poor performance, memory problems …not to mention crankiness, homicidal tendencies, and sleep-walking through sex.

I don’t know about you, but I can’t sleep worth a damn with someone else in the bed. I want to, I really do. I have fantasies about how lovely it would be...I go through spells of craving company. But then reality intrudes. I toss. I turn. I lie there and fret. I feel guilty.

I have motherhood to thank, it seems. Until my first son was born you could have put an air-raid siren outside the bedroom door and I would have slept through it. Now? I can hear the freakin’ cats breathing. I’ve tried tossing them out, but they scratch at the door and howl, which is no improvement. Tossing out a man is even more complicated. They rant and accuse you of disloyalty, frigidity, and disinterest. Nope. I just want a good night’s sleep. Repeatedly.

Who decided we were supposed to sleep together anyway? Can’t we just have rotating conjugal visits — your bedroom on weeks 2 and 4 and my bedroom on weeks 1 and 3? We could post a calendar so we’d know when to clean the sink, change the sheets, and freshen the candles for ‘visitation week’. Just so it’s understood that there is none of this staying-the-night stuff.

I'm leaning toward the Victorian Solution — big houses with separate bedrooms for husband and wife and all the privacy you'd ever need. Free of Victorian morality, we can have plenty of sex…tip-toe down the hall, spontaneous, illicit-feeling sex, which can be the best kind. Maybe coupling in the 21st century would improve if we incorporated His and Hers Victorian-style retreats. We all might have better sex, better memories, fewer heart attacks ... and less guilt!